A Letter Through Insanity

By Ashrei (Ima Sari Wisenthal)

A Letter Through Insanity - AI generated art

knowing when to pause and feel,

Knowing when to stop to heal,

Knowing when to sit and think,

When to ask for help,

These are all one and the same; 

A mind searching,

For freedom and peace, 

Works in mysterious ways.

Some might think I have not been working, 

Even through these years of pain, 

Of broken days, of shattered nights,

But work I did, I never stopped. 

Healing every single moment, 

Peeling every single pain,

Facing all that wants to break me, 

Forcing my way back to be more sane.

Work I did, I do, I will,

My will will come alive - still,

You think I might not be working, 

Yet every step and thought is pushing,

All in one direction - up,

For joy, for love, for all - to light. 

My freedom is thy will to bear,

My work remains to feel despair. 

When you were lead to walk a path,

On broken glass and a bare heart,

It would be wise to step with care,

Know when to breathe, to heal, to stare,

Into the wind, through the darkness,

I choose to reveal my secrets for you,

So do not think a pause is nothing, 

Do not assume you know what is happening, 

For in a mind so free and wide,

Chaos and order together come alive.

Knowing when to pause and heal, 

Knowing when to stop to feel,

Knowing when to take a break,

Knowing how your soul to respect, 

I never truly ever stopped -

I always worked to reach all the way up - 

For all along I have seen,

That in this way - I must give in.

A paradox of life and living;

You need to stop, you need to give in,

You need to push, you need the force,

You need to walk that tiny rope,

Like a line between two tall buildings, 

A tiny breeze can doom your evening, 

Yet rise I do, I never stop,

I live for sunrises; to lift your heart.

So do not sadden when your a soul quivers,

A day of thoughts, deep contemplation,

creativity and ease - work as well, 

I do not pause from this creation, 

This is, you see, my new obsession. 

You wish to help, step forward please,

You wish to lurk - you do it with ease.

Into my mind you will not enter,

My thoughts, my notes, it's air and paper. 

You see only what I allow,

I see you seeing, I hear your try,

I want transparency, I want no lies,

So I let you see despite my demise.

 Do not assume or judge or think,

A broken heart won't push to bleed,

I push to heal, a curvy spiral, 

A path towards what you think is wrong,

But on the way you highlight, 

How lonely is this world for all,

Thank G-d I now have you to catch my fall,

For I reached beyond what I thought possible; 

A fall from here would be spectacular, 

I need the games, the interactions,

The wordplay feeds me joy and progress, 

The smiles give me hope and faith,

Pushing boundaries allows me to ease my break.

Do not assume a healing heart is not at work,

Do not believe a broken mind has paused from thinking,

Do not pretend you all know better,

I seek advice, to learn, to grow, 

To speed things up; I wish to glow - 

To shine this all on all the others.

Yet, alone is now, more real than ever. 

Supported, yet abounded still.

And most still believe that to pull away will heal. 

I have been pushing for so long,

In isolation, in shame, in pain, in hiding. 

To step outside, to share my thoughts-

For you I ripped my whole existence, 

Yet you push for me to not seek more;

No longer a modern day hero.

Do it alone, fend for yourself-

An illusion of this world- independent we are not.

So rip my heart again you will,

Betrayed in the hands of those who wish to heal me.

But I am OK, I saw this coming.

I held deeper pains than your distant longing. 

My mind, you see, is now building-

But instead of work, it's once more shielding. 

How sad for all to come this far,

To conceal once more a shining star. 

You wish for me to step out of myself, 

Yet codependency is who we are - the human race. 

You wish unity, and to be one with all,

Yet you rip away, with distance and separation.

Some of us must keep walking,

With bleeding minds, with shattered hearts,

We must keep trusting, 

For dependency for some - is the way of life,

Aren't you dependent on your income?

Will you not need to be hired? Desired? 

See it through- I said; I will. 

And this is all my pain still speaking. 

A process that is never ending 

So much layers, pain, betrayals,

But now you mess with my friends and family. 

I never was more cared for and more isolated. 

You think it's helping- I don't know who's wrong. 

You or me - the delusion persists - 

Perhaps drug me and put me in an institution.

All this work and manipulation- G-d, 

This is what I was trying to end,

Yet into these waters you drag me again. 

There is nothing left in me to break,

Just particles of dust moving through the air.

It sounds so beautiful- but it's walking in pain.

I need this world to wake up and stop-

We are all insane!

Build yourself up I thought, as did You say,

Do the work so the work is done.

But I am a flower, growing in light and love,

Yet you push me to the swamps,

Creepy spies all around.

Digging into my stories, extracting my bones.

The marrow of my soul, you wish to behold. 

Small steps, sure,

Alone, I am -

In pain, always - 

Betrayed, in the smallest of things.

This is all pathetic, stop your complaining, 

You are the one that betrayed yourself and them.

Get out of your mind, connect back to your soul.

This dance of words will never let go. 

See your own flaws, say thank you for the pleasure.

You played along so well,

Now lead me to Your treasure.